Hi,
For years, anxiety sat on my chest like an elephant.
I would watch myself, eyes open, like a train about to hit a wall. Like falling from the sky with nothing to hold on to. So I held on to control. And every bit of it turned out to be an illusion, and every illusion tasted like failure.
I was right. Control was an illusion. I was just wrong about what that meant. It did not mean I had failed. It meant I could finally put it down.
There is a word for this in Turkish, tevekkul. You do everything in your hands, then you open them, and trust the rest to something bigger than you.
It was not one thing. It was everything: my body, my food, my sleep, the people around me, learning to talk to each other again. Everything is connected. I know, I keep saying it. That is because it keeps being true.
Most days now, the elephant is gone. When I forget that I am a small part of something whole, everything and nothing at once, it starts to sit back down. When I remember, it gets up and leaves. Slowly. It is an elephant.
If there is one on your chest right now, you are not failing. And you are never alone.
This is my experience, not a treatment. If anxiety is running your life, talk to someone who does this for a living. If you are in crisis, call 911, or the emergency number wherever you are.
Every letter lives at walkbeyondyou.com/letters. If someone you know needs this one, send it to them.
Same time next Friday.
Alper Kaynarkan